I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
