I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
