It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She told me I should be a condom model.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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