I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
