Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
