Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
