This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
