saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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