he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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