Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.