I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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