I hate your face
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
