I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
