guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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