highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
