I met the friendliest cop last night
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
