I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
