Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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