she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
