She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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