this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
