i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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