i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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