On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
