What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
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we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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