If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
