I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
