had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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