Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
