so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
