When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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