based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
