I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
