great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
