I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
