I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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