Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
