he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
