Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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