There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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