I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
