I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
