My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Randomize
