he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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