If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
