I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
