it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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