I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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