Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
