I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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