fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
