I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
