Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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