How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The struggles of a small town man whore
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
