Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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