I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
