No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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